


I Don't Know How I'm Living

by chyeloh (plerpson)



Category: B.A.P, Kpop - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Mentions of past suicidality, Not A Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, and there's not a whole lot of triggering content, angst angst angst, but not happy, himchan is a fragile buttercup, hurt/comfort(?), idk if you're super sensitive to these things i wouldn't read it, mostly they just allude to past issues, no one actually dies, not a sad ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 05:59:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1807933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plerpson/pseuds/chyeloh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of all the people to choose for filming the suicide scene...<br/>Based on the "1004" M/V. Banghim angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Know How I'm Living

**Author's Note:**

> No character deaths, just a lot of angst and tears.

Himchan's off the set before the cameras stop rolling, before the director turns and announces the end of the filming, before Yongguk can really process it. He drops the gun prop and bolts, and Yongguk spares less than a half-second's thought before he's running after him, struggling to push through the mass of set crew, makeup artists, and coordis all congratulating him on a job well done.

* * *

 

When he finally manages to fight them all off, ignoring the questioning shouts from his dongsaengs, he's lost sight of Himchan, and spends the next few minutes roaming the halls and poking his head into random rooms, hoping to find the ulzzang. A poorly-concealed sniffle finally alerts him to Himchan's position, and he quickly ducks into the empty room--barely taking the time to notice the dust, or the sheet-swathed furniture, or the peeling wallpaper--shutting the door behind him.

 

Himchan's head shoots up at the noise, and Yongguk's heart breaks at the wretched expression on the other's face. "Guk," Himchan chokes after a moment, and stretches out his arms from his seat on the floor, "Guk, Gukkie, Yongguk, Yongguk, Yongguk..."

 

"Hey, hey, Channie, it's okay, it's okay, I'm here," Yongguk can't really think of anything to do other than clutch a sobbing Himchan to his chest and rub soothing circles on his back, and hope the words coming out of his mouth are the right ones. "You're okay, Channie, just breathe, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here..."

 

There's nothing restrained about Himchan's crying; his thin frame--too thin, Yongguk thinks darkly, they're all too thin--shudders violently with each sob ripped from his throat, little anguished sounds spilling from his lips endlessly. Yongguk has only seen Himchan break down like this a few times before, and the thought sends a ripple of pain through his chest.

 

Presently, Himchan quiets, hiccuping and sniffling into Yongguk's t-shirt, hands still fisted tightly in the cotton material, his body quivering. Yongguk doesn't move away, doesn't give any signs of discomfort, doesn't ask, because he knows that this is what Himchan needs; he'll talk when he's ready, Yongguk knows. And after about ten minutes of silence--punctuated only by Himchan's heavy, shaky breathing--he's proven right, as always.

 

"I j-just..." A great, shuddery breath, and Yongguk draws the other closer, nosing gently at his temple, "...d-do you kn-know h-how m-m-many times I...w-why d-did they h-h-have to ask m-me, G-Gukkie? W-why c-c-couldn't th-they ask s-someone l-l-like Jon-nguppie? O-Or J-Junh-honggie? Why c-couldn't they a-ask s-s-someone n-normal-l? S-someone  _un-unb-broken?"_  


 

"You're not broken, Himchan," Yongguk cuts him off firmly, "and you're not abnormal. Don't say things like that." "B-but I-I!" Himchan has started to cry again, fat, hot tears rolling down his cheeks, "...I...w-with the m-m-mirr-or..." 

 

"You're  _not broken,_  " Yongguk repeats, shaking Himchan a little, and the other whimpers, "Channie, it doesn't make you weak, or broken, or whatever shit you're telling yourself, okay?  _You_ \--" A kiss on Himchan's hair, "-- _are_ \--" A kiss on his forehead, "-- _perfect_." A kiss on Himchan's cheek, and the younger doesn't protest this time, just sinking resignedly into Yongguk's embrace with a heavy sigh.

 

Yongguk hates this. He hates that no matter how much he says it, no matter how many times he reminds Himchan that he's  _human_  for Christ's sake, no matter how often he reminds Himchan "I love you, you're perfect, so beautiful,  _God_ ," Himchan still won't believe him--can't believe him. 

 

And Yongguk hates the fans, hates the coordis, hates the company managers and trainers who, for every effort Yongguk puts into building Himchan up, respond with a "Aish, Himchan-ah! You're getting too big for the stage outfits again! Maybe you should cut back on the  _pulbbang_ , yeah?" And they'll laugh, and Himchan will laugh, and Yongguk will watch, broken-hearted, as those little cracks in Himchan's smile start to show again. 

 

It's the worst feeling in the whole world.

 

"Perfect and beautiful," Yongguk repeats, nuzzling Himchan's neck, "my Channie is perfect and beautiful." A pause. "Unlike the choreography."

 

Himchan huffs a little at that, and Yongguk sees his lips quirk up momentarily. "W-what, you d-didn't like the hip t-thrusts?" Yongguk's face wrinkles in distaste. "You can't thrust to this song," he insists, trying to be funny, trying to be strong for  _Himchan_ , "it's...it's positively un-thrustable."

 

Himchan give a short, quiet little laugh, but it's real. 

 

"U-un-thrustable?" 

"Unthrustable." 

 

Himchan chuckles, and they lapse into a comfortable silence.

 

"Guk?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Stay with me tonight." 

"Channie, you know we can't--"

"Please. I don't...I don't want to be alone right now."

 

Yongguk hears the subtle "I don't trust myself alone right now," and gulps. "...Of course," he finally agrees, nodding, and Himchan presses a featherlight kiss to his cheek.

 

Yongguk supposes it's a sort of thank-you.

 

* * *

 

Later, when they're lying together in close space, legs twisted in the damp sheets, breath slowly normalizing, Yongguk snakes an arm around Himchan's waist and pulls him in. "Please don't," he breathes against Himchan's cheek, "Please don't ever...don't ever, Channie. You deserve this life, all of it, you  _deserve_  it, damn it, please don't..."

 

Himchan runs his thumbs over the falling tears, and gives Yongguk a sad, watery smile.

 

"No," he replies quietly. "Not all of it...

 

...not you."

**Author's Note:**

> i cried writing this. i'm a loser bye
> 
>  
> 
> ~~that mv broke me...~~


End file.
